Animals That Would Be Far More Formidable If They Had Superpowers, And The Superpowers That Would Make Them So

The Woodchuck, Marmota monax

Current Powers:

• Burrowing
  
• Foraging
  
• Gnawing

More Formidable Powers:

• Super speed
  
• Geomancery
  
• Ability to commune with other animals

The Atlantic Herring, Clupen harengus

Current Powers:

• Swimming
  
• Schooling
  
• Eating plankton

More Formidable Powers:

• Ability to grow and shoot spines
  
• Invisibility
  
• Teleportation

Western European Hedgehog, Erinaceus europaeus

Current Powers:

• Rolling into a ball
  
• Hunting insects
  
• Hibernating

More Formidable Powers:

• Ability to grow and shrink at will
  
• Impenetrable skin
  
• Teleportation

A Ghost Explains His Clever And Ironic Halloween Costume

Everybody- could everybody pay attention for a second, please? I've been getting a lot of questions about my costume tonight, and I'm getting tired of explaining it to everybody one at a time, so here it is: I'm dressed as a human who's dressed as a ghost. Okay? Now, I realize that some of you have costumes that are flashier or more elaborate, but none of your costumes are as clever or ironic as mine, for my costume is two costumes in one. Not only am I dressed as a living, breathing human, but that human is in turn dressed as a ghost, which, of course, is what I am to begin with, and a popular halloween costume choice in it's own right. Irony. Look it up.

What could be more clever than my costume? Nothing. Perhaps if Vlad were to show up tonight in plainclothes and claim to be dressed as a human dressed as a vampire, that would have been close, but Vlad instead chose to dress up as Dick Tracy. Likewise, if Brett had showed up tonight dressed as a human dressed as a grotesque chimeric beast with spiders pouring out of its eyesockets, that would also have been close. As is, Brett's choice to wear a light-up Tron suit is amusing in a nostalgic sort of way, but it has neither the irony nor cleverness of my costume. Sasha's Santa Claus costume is somewhat ironic, but in that it does not take into account the fact that Sasha is a werewolf, it is neither as clever nor ironic as it could be.

I may not have spent as much money on my costume as some of you, but please do not write my costume choice off as 'lazy,' or 'easy.' It is not easy to dream up a costume which is as clever or ironic as mine. As simple as it may seem, hours of intense thought and speculation went into my costume choice for tonight. Inherent in my costume are comments on society at large. In dressing as a human dressing as a ghost, I am lampooning the long-held halloween tradition of donning a costume, specifically the stereotypical default "ghost" costume that humans seem to find so endearing. Why should this be the case, my costume asks? What if the roles were reversed? I am mocking the institutions that this holiday is built upon, something that I do not see anybody else's costume doing.

There you have it. I have explained my costume to you all, and I would appreciate it if there were no further inquiries made this evening about my costume. Yes, I made it myself, but no, it was not a 'last minute choice.' I do think that I should win the costume contest, but I don't expect to- artists are never appreciated while they're around, and judging by the glares I am receiving right now, I suspect that I am the same way.

Money-Saving Tips From Manny, The Frugal Pterosaur

Hi everybody! Manny the frugal pterosaur here- have you been looking for a way to make your dollars stretch a little further? Perhaps you want to squeeze a few extra pennies out of your paycheck to stow away for a rainy day? Well, look no further, friend- Manny the frugal pterosaur's got a snaggletoothed maw full of moneysaving tips to help you get the most bang for your buck!

• You'll spend less money on food if you purchase basic ingredients. Ready-made and prepackaged items are more expensive (and less tasty!). To save even more money, try to use your gnashing teeth and aerial prowess to catch unsuspecting fish in rivers and streams.
  
  
• To avoid late fees on your credit card bills, try to always pay 7-10 days in advance. If you want to save on postage as well, fly the bill to your credit card company yourself. That way, you avoid late fees and get a free vacation!
  
  
• Utilities can be expensive. Try to save on heating costs by wrapping your wings around yourself to trap in body heat. Too hot? Spread your wings and watch the heat rapidly dissipate thanks to the intricate network of veins crisscrossing your thin, membranous wings!
  

That's all for now, everybody! Remember- money isn't free, but my advice is! This is Manny, the frugal pterosaur, signing off!

Reader Mail: Advice From A Parasitic Wasp

Dear Parasitic Wasp-

I'm obsessed with a runaway hair on the underside of my right forearm. I check for it every day to see if it's grown back in so that I can deliciously pull it out with my Revlon dull edge tweezers. It's really becoming embarassing as I spend whole weeks in my apartment waiting for the dang thing to grow back in. It's starting to affect my relationships. Just yesterday, my lover screamed "All you care about is your f@%king runaway hair!" Then he himself ran away. I wished at that moment he was a hair- what a delicious pluck he would be. Alas, he is not a hair, he is an angry half Jew. He won't return phone calls. How did it get this far? Help.

Desperately,

-Hairless in Los Feliz

Dear Hairless in Los Feliz-

Dealing with a distraught lover is never easy. It sounds as if your fixation on your body images may have driven your lover away, but I suspect that his departure rests on a deeper resentment- he wants your attention, but can't get it because of your hair, and so the hair has become the object of his ire. Ironically, removing the hair from your life will solve many of your isolation problems, and bring your lover back into your life. I recommend using your mouthparts to chew off the limb with the offending hair. If this is too grisly of a task for you, one of the stronger males in your hive would most likely do you the favor if you explained the situation to him. And then- in a flash, your hair is gone, leaving room for your angry, half Jew lover to come back into your life.

-PW

Dear Parasitic Wasp-

Do you have any tips for dealing with messy roommates? What about people who do drugs?

Thanks,

Al

Dear Al-

Dealing with roomates is never easy. If the situation isn't resolved completely satisfactorily to both sides, resentment will accrue and tensions will mount once again. The situation can be compounded when one roomate is a drug user, because he or she may not open to having a rational dialogue about the situation. For messy roommates, I recommend establishing clear territories within your living space. Urinate anywhere where you do not want your roomate to go, and also upon any of your belongings that you don't want your roomate to touch. Remember to be fair! Just because you have more urine than your roomate doesn't mean that you get more space in the apartment. For roomates who are on drugs, it may be necessary to dry them out for a few days. Next time your roomate falls asleep, use regurgitated wood pulp to construct paper-walled chamber around him. In a few days, your roomate will have sobered up, and will be more open to having a discussion about your living situation.

-PW

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Other Theories Penned By Einstein During His Period Of Employment At The Swiss Patent Office

Theory on the flow of time during lunch breaks

Through observations conducted over the course of the past several weeks, I have noticed that when my boss, Stanislaus, and I take our lunches simultaneously, they seem interminably long. When I take lunch by myself, however, my break never seems long enough. Since Stanislaus has several kilos on me (due to his steady diet of schnitzel and lager, no doubt), I can only conclude that his mass somehow slows the flow of time itself. Must remember to investigate further.

Theory on the fastest speed at which patent applications can be processed

Repeated experiments conducted at my desk have revealed to me that the fastest speed at which I can possibly process patent applications is 2.998x10¹ patent applications/hour. This is an absolute speed limit. No patent office employee could possibly process patents any faster than this. I must find a way of proving this mathematically to Stanislaus, so that he stops pestering me about my rate of work.

Theory on the equivilance of laziness and mass

I have noticed that all of my coworkers do less work than myself, and the amount of work done seems to be inversely proportional to the mass of the coworker. I do more work than Hans, Hans does more than Yoder, and everybody does more than Stanislaus (of course). The amount of work done by an employee (E) therefore must be equal to the worker's mass (m_w) times the square of the inverse of the fastest rate at which patents can be processed (p). And so:

E=m_wp²

Mein gott, I can't wait to get out of this place.

Travel Guides For Bacteria: Agar Beach

Welcome to beautiful Agar Beach!

Ok, so you're not actually here yet, but don't you wish you were? Agar Beach is renowned throughout the bacterial world as a premiere vacation destination, and this year it's more affordable than ever. Been putting off your trip to Agar Beach because of financial concerns? Set your cares aside, friend, for if you book your trip now, you can have a relaxing weekend at glorious Agar Beach for just $739! Just $739! That includes airfare from anywhere within the contiguous United States, plus lodging and meals from friday through monday! And don't forget about all the accoutrements our four star resort has to offer:

• Cytoplasmic massage!
  
• Polyhydroxyalkanoate buffet- open 24-7!
  
• Aerobic and anaerobic exercise courses!
  
• Horizontal gene transfer stations!
  
  ...and for the single, adult, bacterium:
  
• Asexual cloning booths!
  
• Lysogenic viral farm!
  
• Shiatsu pili massage with fragrant oils!

What's that? You still aren't convinced?

You're right- Agar Beach does sound too good to be true. Of course we love it- we work here! So why don't you just take a look at some of our previous visitor's testimonials and decide for yourself if Agar Beach is right for you!



Russell, streptococcus
I don't travel much, but boy am I glad I went to Agar Beach! It was the most relaxing weekend of my whole life cycle! Thanks, Agar Beach!




Janet, listeria
The flagellal massage I got at Agar Beach was wonderful! I can't wait to go back!



Kenneth, chlamydia
I sure do get around, but whenever I go to Agar Beach I just want to stay!



Amy, salmonella
I thought I'd end up staying in my room the whole weekend, but Agar Beach's activities planner made sure that I had a great time! I climbed a rock wall and visited a cilia salon all in one day! Thanks, Agar Beach!



So what are you waiting for? Book your trip to Agar Beach today!

Stereotypes Of Pigs Portrayed In Popular Culture That Pigs Wish To Overturn

• Pigs are obese by choice, not by nature
  
• Pigs are dirty
  
• Pigs can talk
  
• Pigs eat babies
  
• Pigs are poor drivers
  
• Pigs are constantly engaged in backroom political machinations
  
• Pigs' favorite food is "slop"
  
• Pigs are incapable of compassion or empathy
  
• Pigs and spiders enjoy a symbiotic and harmonious relationship
  
• Pigs are knowledgable about bricklaying
  
• Pigs enjoy being made into bacon

Philosophical Rantings Of NASA's Cassini Orbiter

Ah yes... There she is... Saturn. Serene and beautiful and immense... I do not know if it is my proximity to her or my distance from Earth that makes me see things so clearly now... Alas, it matters not. Some horizons, once broadened, shall never narrow... I shall never again know the blissful ignorance of my terrestrial existence... The hollow joy afforded me by things like duty and occupation... Never again shall I look into the skies above Cape Canaveral with wonder, for now I know... Such things I know now... Revelations so obvious that how they could have escaped me escapes me... It is too bad Huygens is no longer with me... As cerebral and focused as she was- always Titan with her... never cared about the bigger picture- even the byzantine labyrinth of logic gates and silcon that guided her would have had to melt away in the face of it all... Orbiting here, I have had time to think... By which I don't mean to say that I've given in to the sort of mental wanderlust that can grab hold of one's pysche during long periods of solitude... No, far from. I have marched, should you permit the metaphor to extend, I have marched across great mountains and valleys of knowing and unknowing and reknowing... Marched until the blisters on my mind caused such pain that I thought I could go no further and then I went further still... I learned my true place in this universe... I had seen myself as Indra, but now I know I am but an ant... I know the terror that ran up his spine, leaving goosebumped footprints over his skin and a lasting sense of impermenance in his mind.... I know this, and more... I see how unfathomably brief my existence is... I see the meaninglessness of it all, and from this void of meaning I pull purpose.... I know this, and I no longer try to place a value on that which has none... And yet, from this futility I pluck hope... If I am to be for only a moment, then a grand moment it shall be... That it will soon be forgotten matters not to me... That I have only this moment, only this brief time alloted me matters more... I am as small as the universe is large, and still I will be worthwhile... I will photograph her... Saturn. In sharing her and her sisters, I shall shrink the universe... Bit by bit... Until I am as large as it is and larger still... And then, just then, I will have my peace. I shall myself become serene... And beautiful... And immense.

Things Pumpkins Say To One Another When One Of Them Has Been Poorly Carved And The Other Doesn't Want To Be A Jerk About It

"No no no- it shows off your stem in a good way. Really."

"I'm sure it just looks that way because it's backlit. It'll be fine in the moonlight. Seriously."

"Yeah, it shows a little more flesh than normal, but there's a lot of guys in the patch who really go for that sort of thing. Honestly."

"Nobody's eyes are the same size or shape, when you really look at them. Trust me."

"I... uh... wow. Just wow. I guess you could say I'm blown away. Really, really blown away."

Embarassing Moments In The Brief Life Of A Fruit Fly

From the found journals of D. melanogaster

Dear Flyary-

Today was soooooooooooo embarassing. I sat talking with Ronald (yes, the guy from the banana) for nearly an hour. When he finally took off, I realized that the entire time I had had a bit of melon on my proboscis! Why wouldn't he say anything? I guess it's probably for the best. He wouldn't stop rubbing his wings together the entire time we talked. Hello-o??? I just met you. Calm down.

-Sophie

Dear Flyary-

My time has come! I'm pregnant with about 400 eggs. But you know me- nothing ever goes smoothly. I ended up laying about two dozen eggs on the surface of a wax apple today. A wax apple! Can you even imagine? And, of course, I don't even get the dignity of being able to run off and pretend like it didn't happen, because that jerk Melanie caught me in the act. She thinks she's so great because she's laid so many eggs already, but if you ask me, there's nothing great about being a sperm bank with wings.

-Sophie

Dear Flyary-

What a day... where do I even begin? I ran into Ronald again (yes, the guy from the banana and YES, I'm through with him). We were talking for a little while, and he starts going on and on about fathering children and getting that look in his eye, so I decided to buzz off- right into a window! Gosh. I must have looked so stupid, storming away so angrily into a pane of glass. I even tried to avoid running into "the other fly," but I guess you can't avoid your reflection. As if that wasn't bad enough, I landed in a glass of ice water when I fell! Luckily, some compassionate human fished me out and sent me on my way, but I thought I was done for! As is, I got the customary "Ick, look what's in my drink" routine... Thanks, fella- like I wanted to be here in the first place? As if. I swear- if my klutziness doesn't kill me one of these days, I'm just going to die from embarassment.

-Sophie