Tough Love: Advice From A Parasitic Wasp

Dear Parasitic Wasp-

I sometimes think that my boyfriend might be cheating on me. He can be really shifty when I ask him where he’s been or who he’s been with. How can I make sure he’s not sneaking around behind my back?

-Bethany

Dear Bethany-

Confronting a lover is never easy. If your suspicions are correct, hearing them confirmed can be painful. If you’re wrong, it make take some time for your relationship to mend afterwards. This is why I say avoid confrontation altogether. While your lover is sleeping, use your ovipositor to place half a dozen unfertilized eggs in his abdomen. By week’s end, the protective enzymes coating your eggs will cease any recognizable sexual function on your lover’s part, thus eradicating his ability to even have an affair. After a couple of weeks, the eggs will pass through your lover’s system, and he’ll be all yours once more. Voila!

-PW

Dear Parasitic Wasp-

I’m having an argument with a sibling over what to do with our recently deceased mother’s estate. I’m sentimental, and therefore don’t want to liquidate, but when my brother looks at our childhood home, all he sees are dollar signs. What am I to do?

-Colin

Dear Colin-

Settling family quarrels is never easy. The relationship you have with your family members is a special one, and should be preserved, if possible. It sounds as if you have already tried compromise, and that it is out of the question. If this is the case, then it is necessary to assert your dominance over your brother. Initiate a dialogue by using your legs to smear urine and feces on the walls of the chamber where he sleeps. This will indicate your frustration with the situation in no uncertain terms. If your brother refuses to acquiesce, or responds violently to your declaration, it may become necessary to establish your physical dominance over him. Do this by biting him in the tender area where his head and thorax meet. Repeat several times, if necessary. If he still does not see things your way, it may be necessary to consume his brood, regardless of their state of development. Doing so will send a clear message to your brother that you are done with his bullying and that you mean business.

-PW

Dear Parasitic Wasp-

I’m looking for some romantic fulfillment in my life, but I have a hard time meeting men. Any tips?

-Sarah

Dear Sarah-

Being alone is never easy, but meeting men you like can be, if you let it. Simply slather yourself in pheromones, get out of the hive, and spend a day doing something you enjoy. Before you know it, drones with similar interests will swarm to you. If you’re lucky, one of them may leave a packet of dormant sperm inside of you for you to remember him by, and come springtime you’ll have plenty of eggs to lay. What could be more fulfilling?

-PW

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