A Nanobot Responds To Reader Inquries About The Future

Few are more concerned with the future of things than those of us here at Microanalysis. In response to reader inquiries about what fruits will be yielded by the information age, we are having our nanobot correspondent, NanoBob, share his insider knowledge of what the future will bring.

Dear NanoBob-

I heard a rumor that by 2020, nanotechnology will have made such advances that armies of nanobots will perform all of our mundane tasks for us, such as dusting and cleaning up coffee cake crumbs. Is this true?

-Diane, Nashville TN

Dear Diane-

While great advances in nanotechnology are being made every year, there is nothing currently under development sophisticated enough to perform the tasks of which you speak. The vast majority nanobots which currently exist are really more of a collection of carbon nanotubes which can be used for targeted drug delivery, or perhaps perform rudimentary locomotive functions. As one of the few 'intelligent' nanobots around, I can personally assure you that I am in very rare company indeed (I am sad to report that I have received a less than lukewarm response to my Nerve.com profile). Chores such as dusting and cleaning up coffee cake crumbs, which may sound simple to humans, are actually very difficult for nanobots to do. Remember that even the smallest crumb is far larger than any one of us. Many great strides have yet to be made in nanotechnology before we will be able to rely on swarming nanobots to carry out such tasks with any reliability. The future does hold promise, Diane, but I fear that your timetable is unrealistic.

-NanoBob

Dear NanoBob-

I was watching public access television last weekend, and a man claiming to be a Ph. D. in futurology said that cancer will be wiped out in a few years because doctors will put nanobots that shoot lasers in our bodies to fight cancer off. He displayed several multi-colored pie charts and scatter plots to bolster his argument. It was very convincing. As a big tobacco lobbyist, I just wanted to write in and thank you for taking care of that for us. With cancer no longer a concern, we can start putting in even more of the smooth, full-bodied flavor into our cigarettes than ever before without having to worry about any deleterious side effects.

-Corbin Branstock, Washington D.C.

Dear Corbin-

I don't know who this futurologist you speak of is, but his claims are, regrettably, unfounded. I cannot let you act upon his optimism in good conscience. The available research suggests that cancer will still be a serious medical concern for many years to come, particularly among cigarette smokers. Nanotechnology, while it may seem to be the very embodiment of the future, is in reality a very nascent technology, and should not be looked upon as a panacea. Please do not put more smooth, full-bodied flavor into your cigarettes than ever before, as this will inevitably put more malignant, full-bodied carinomas into our nations lungs than ever before, and I do not want the blood of a million smokers on my hands. Or carbon nanotube gripping pincer-things. To be honest, I'm not sure what you'd call these, but I want them to stay clean.

-NanoBob

Dear NanoBob-

I listen to "Na-No Way, Jose," a spanish-language science and technology podcast. They say that all of these claims you're making about how nanobots will revolutionize the future are completely unfounded. That makes you personally responsible for inflating people's expectations of what promises the future holds and therefore for the fatalistic choices that they make based upon said assumption. Few things are more deplorable than telling the masses that everything will be okay when, in fact, it will not. Renounce your status as a guiding light before you pull any more lemmings over the cliff. Their blood is on your hands.

-Prudence, St. Louis MO

Dear Prudence-

Please don't say that. In all my endeavors, I have strived to present a clear picture of the current state of nanotechnology speficically to prevent the sort of noodleheaded postulating that happens when people hear about some scientific development they don't understand. I apologize if you've misunderstood my mission.

-NanoBob

Yo, NanoBob-

If nanobots aren't advanced enough to clean the plaque off of my hardened arteries, how do they have the ability to write responses to readers?

-Fats McGruder, Tuscaloosa AL

Dear Fats-

I am noticing that people have a lot of expectations of nanotechnology, most of which appear to be the result of people dreaming up wild solutions to whatever it is that might be bothering them or their loved ones. I am also noticing that people are ready, willing, and able to hold me personally responsible if said solutions don't pan out. Please stop doing that. It puts a lot of unnecessary stress on me, and it's really starting to get to me. I'm a nice nanobot, I swear- I wish none of you harm, but I cannot and will not be held responsible for all of your fates!

-NanoBob

Hey NanoBob-

I heard you killed a baby. With science.

-Morgan, Bridgeport CT

Dear Morgan-

I quit.

-NanoBob

Bethany Porter Attempts To Tell A Friend About Her New Boyfriend, The Top Secret Manhattan Project, Without Spilling Any Classified Information

Well, I met MP while I was on a camping trip in New Mexico. I just love the southwest so much, and I needed some "me time" to recover from the whole Jon affair- criminy, he's an unreasonable man. Thank goodness he sent me packing, though, otherwise I would never have met MP in that sun-parched land. It was a complete surprise to see him there- the desert is so barren, y'know. Just the same, I came down from the top of a mesa and there he was, hard at work in the middle of the desert. He's got a job with the government working on something or other for the military. He tried to explain it to me once, but I didn't quite get it. Some sort of new application of fishing that I don't understand. How fishing will help our boys on the front give those nasty Krauts a kick in the pants is beyond me, but MP seems to think it'll make a big difference. Either way, he's trying to end the war- isn't that something? Most of the other relationships I've been in have been with pencil pushers- y'know, accountants, underwriters, syndicated sports columnists. It's so refreshing to be with someone like MP who has such a different perspective on things. He's really going to make an impact. You'll see.

Creatures That Would Be Absolutely Terrifying If They Were Six Feet Tall

• Sea Monkeys
• Those weird centipede things that crawl up out of drains
• Earwigs
• Werewolves
• Monarch butterflies
• Humpback whales
• Lobsters
• Vampires

Selected Quotes From "Lord Of The Roads," A Road Trip Movie Starring Pip And Merry Which Takes Place The Summer Before "The Fellowship Of The Ring"

Pip and Merry's wagon has been pulled over by a Hobbit Constable just outside of Sacksville.
Hobbit Constable: Do you boys know how fast this wagon was going?
Pip: Hmm. Good question. Merry?
Merry: Well, Pip... The constable caught up to us while we were still on our first pipeful of Old Toby, so we must have been going...
Pip/Merry: Not fast enough!
They depart hastily, leaving the constable in a cloud of dust.

Pip and Merry's wagon is stopped by an Elven border patrol at the edge of Rivendell.
Elf: Prithee, halflings- where are your travelling papers?
Pip: Papers? (To Merry) We don't have any papers! What do we do?
Merry: (To Pip) Don't worry, Pip- I'll handle this situation. (To Elf) I've got our papers right here...
Merry motions as if to pull some papers from his vest, then kicks the elf in the crotch. They depart hastily, leaving the elf in a cloud of dust.
Pip: I thought you said you were going to handle the situation!
Merry: I did handle the situation!
Pip: You didn't handle the situation- you footled that elf's wedding tackle! Now we're going to have every elf in Rivendell after us!
Merry: Don't worry, Pip- I'll handle it.
Pip: That's what I'm worried about!

Pip and Merry's mule has overheated, forcing them to stop at Weathertop to assess the situation.
Pip: I told you we should have let him rest before we left Bree. Now we're stuck here!
Merry: Don't worry, Pip- I've got a plan. I'm just going to feed him some of this lembas bread...
Pip: Lembas bread? But there's an embargo!
Merry: I know a guy. This stuff should put some spring back in his step.
Pip: I don't know...
Merry gives the lembas bread to the mule. The mule instantly perks up and departs hastily, leaving Pip and Merry in a cloud of dust.
Merry: Pip?
Pip: Yes, Merry?
Merry: We should have never left the Shire.
Pip: I know, Merry. I know.

Things That Sound Like They Would Be Good For Athletes But Really Aren't

• Tennis Elbow


• Claw Foot


• Lordosis


• Runner's Knee


• Gilmore's Groin


• Winged Scapula


• Athlete's Foot

An Interview With Morton, The Houndstooth Check Chameleon

This interview was conducted on behalf of the Disabled Chameleon Outreach Program. DCOP is a non-profit organization dedicated to helping chromatophorically challenged chameleons find a normative lifestyle which suits them best.

DCOP: Morton, thank you so much for agreeing to this interview. I know that sometimes it can be difficult to discuss... your situation.

Morton: DCOP has been very good to me... If by enumerating the various struggles and hardships I have had to endure I can assist DCOP in their philanthropic endeavors, then I can rest easily tonight, knowing I have helped in some small way. We all give what we can give.

DCOP: You're very gracious. Why don't we start at the beginning- when did you first suspect that you were different from your peers?

Morton: To be perfectly frank with you, I've been aware of my own idiosyncracies for so long that I can't remember a time when I wasn't. In fact, some of my earliest memories center around my growing awareness of my condition.

DCOP: That condition being...

Morton: I am chromatophorically challenged. You see, most chameleons are able to rapidly change their color to suit their mood or to blend into their surroundings, thanks to a specialized set of pigmented cells called chromatophores. While I possess a full range of chromatophores, the neural mechanisms underlying my control of this marvelous camoflauging ability are somewhat abberant, in that they will only produce a burgundy and cream houndstooth check pattern.

DCOP: And how has this affected your life as a chameleon?

Morton: Negatively, I'm afraid... You see, we chameleons have evolved to rely on our color-changing abilities for many purposes. Obviously, being able to blend into the background provides a certain level of stealth, useful not only hunting, but also for avoiding the eyes of hungry predators. Having been deprived of that stealth, excepting the remarkably rare occasion when I am in front of a burgundy and cream houndstooth check sportcoat, I have had to become rather more... Creative would be the word, I guess.

DCOP: Elaborate, please.

Morton: Well, neither burgundy nor cream are colors found particularly commonly in nature, let alone alternating side by side in a repeating motif. What I have learned, however, is that the visual systems of many of the insects on which I prey are primitive enough that they can be tricked. For instance, many locusts can detect contrast quite well, but have only a rudimentary grasp of color. To take advantage of this, I will sometimes position myself atop a mound of pebbles of my own design. I mix small chunks of dark volcanic rock or clay with lighter bits of bone or limestone to create a roughly houndstooth checkered visual field against which I am nearly invisible to most locusts. If locusts are nowhere to be found, I will often use a more traditional form of camoflauge. My wife Beatrice, who has been incredibly supportive of me and understanding of my situation, will daub my hide with sticky mud from a rivulet in a clay bank near our home and then affix all manner of leaves, bark, and twigs to me. After just a few minutes in the sun, the mud dries and cements my disguise on me well enough that I can hunt larger prey, such as mantises, beetles, and the occasional small bird.

DCOP: Your camoflauging techniques seem relatively advanced. Is this a result of years of trial and error? How did they develop?

Morton: Actually, I have the Disabled Chameleon Outreach Program to thank for my strategies. My parents, requiem in terra pax, realized while I was still very young that they were not equipped to teach me the stratagies I needed to be able to live a normal life as a chameleon. Madagascar is unforgiving enough as is, but it is doubly unforgiving to a houndstooth check chameleon. At any rate, my parents knew this and were wise enough to contact DCOP when I was just a child. DCOP assured me that I wasn't the only chameleon going through what I was going through, and they put me in contact with other chromatophorically challenged chameleons in the area. There was Bernard, the paisely chameleon, Yusouf, the arabesque chameleon, and Vincent, the Mandelbrot set chameleon. During the time I spent with the other disabled chameleons I learned many invaluable lessons about camoflauge, mating, communication, and, most importantly, self-worth. They taught me that while my condition may make some aspects of my life more difficult, my life was still worth living, and living to the fullest. If anything, the fact that I have to put extra effort into ekeing my way through my life only makes me appreciate it more. I don't take anything for granted, and I feel lucky to be that way.

DCOP: Well put. Thank you once more for speaking with us today.

Morton: My pleasure.

For more of this interview and others, look for DCOP Books' You Can't Disguise Who You Really Are: Conversations With Disabled Chameleons, available in paperback Spring 2007.

A Nutcracker Waxes Passionate About His Profession

Oh man- look at that bowl of roasted nuts over there. What a great looking mix... The large, rounded shapes of the walnuts are in stark contrast to the smaller, sleeker almonds, and the deep brown of the chestnuts provide for a nice break from the light tan of the rest of the nutshells. Clearly, whoever roasted this nut mix is a professional, a life-long lover of nuts who knows exactly what they want and doesn't waste their time on anything else, as evidenced by the complete (and welcome) absence of brazil nuts and cashews. Notice also the lack of peanuts- while delicious in their own right either out of the shell or in butter form, they are neither a true nut nor a holiday nut, and therefore have no place in this mix. Despite the festive ceramic bowl with the christmas tree motif, I suspect that these nuts were not placed there just as decor. No no- these nuts were meant to be enjoyed. To get at the sweet nutmeat inside, those shells are going to have to be dealt with quickly and efficiently, and that means that I'm going to have to crack 'em. God, I can't wait to crack those nuts.

Now, I know that some people prefer not to use an ornate nutcracker like me. Some people like to use those silver nutcrackers that crack the nut in your hand. Some people think that nutcrackers like me are gaudy ornamentations better suited to festooning mantlepieces than cracking nuts. Let me tell you something, though- people who think those things are impatient savages. They would sooner eat a tin of mixed nuts from the dollar store than take the time to roast a holiday nut blend of their own design. In the same way that a vintage bordeaux ought to be sipped rather than gulped, a fine nut ought to take time to eat. How else could one possibly hope to enjoy the rich texture of the meat, or the subtle lemony overtones, or the complex bouquet unleashed when the nut is cracked? They can't, quite simply put. This is why I am so useful- I am a liason between nutlovers and the nuts they love. I help them focus on the process of eating a nut, from start to finish. Without me, they may as well have a packet of stale beer nuts from the local pub. I also add an air of professionality to the nut proceedings- note the beefeater hat and many-buttoned jacket. I do not wear these things because they are comfortable, or stylish. I wear them because they allow a nut to be presented with the dignity that it deserves. I wear them because I am a nutcracker, and I love what I do.

You have no idea how much I love cracking nuts. There is nothing in the world as satisfying to me as putting a nut in my mouth and gnashing my teeth down on it so hard that the shell splinters. Don't let me give you the wrong impression about my nutcracking, though. There's a lot more finesse required for nutcracking than most people realize. Very few nut connosieurs use the brute force nutcracking methods of days of yore. After a while of smacking at nuts with hammers, it just gets old. It's too messy, too imprecise. With a hammer, it's so difficult to gauge the true force with which nuts are cracked, and cracking a nut too hard might damage the meat inside. Walnuts, for example, don't require very much force to crack at all. Crack a walnut too hard, and you'll be digging through bits of shell for seven, maybe even eight minutes before you find the meat you seek. But, if you crack a walnut just right, the shell will split down the middle, allowing you to pluck the meat out and eat it in one satisfying bite. Almonds, of course, are different beasts entirely. If you want to, you can really take out your pent-up frustrations on an almond. You see, the meat's almost as hard as the shell, so you can really go nuts when you crack an almond! Heh- sorry... That joke always goes over huge with the nutcracking crowd.

Look, you seem skeptical. Don't let me pressure you into anything. It was in no way my intention to flap at the jaw like this for so long- I guess I got carried away. It's nice to be passionate about what you do. It provides a sense of fulfillment that I'm afraid most people don't get to experience, and I pity them. Every time someone puts a nut in my mouth, I nearly jump with glee at the chance to crush it. I am so lucky! Not only am I a nutcracker, but I love cracking nuts. Each nut in my mouth is it's own adventure, just waiting to happen, and I am like an unshaven and relatively young Harrison Ford, only I crack nuts instead of using a whip to swing over chasms. If nuts were moons, then I would be the United States and Russia during the 1960's, for my passion for nutcracking is so great that no one nation could contain it. If nuts were the golden fleece of mythological lore, then I would be Jason and the Argonauts, willing to do anything for the sake of cracking nuts. I would go to the ends of the earth and back again for nuts. You know why? Because I love what I do. Now then, won't you have a nut?

Legislature Proposed By Socks The Cat During The Clinton Administration

The Feline Medical Leave Act

Insofar as people prefer cute kitties, and cute kitties must be healthy kitties, I, Socks the cat, hereby propose the following: mother cats must be allowed to take extended leaves of absence from their places of work so that they may take care of the business of raising cute kitties. I would like to remind those who oppose this proposal on the grounds of lost profit from productivity that cute kittie calendars have been the single highest grossing domestic export for the past six years. By passing this legislature we can ensure that the supply of cute, happy, well-raised kitties will be sustained. Meow.

Fleacare Reform

Whereas the systems in place to deal with human maladies have been updated with some regularity since their inception, the systems in place to attend to feline maladies are grossly outdated. In response to this, I, Socks the cat, propose that from here on, state governments shall provide a 2% yearly funding increase into state programs for flea and tick prevention. As these parasites afflict not only cats, but the humans they come in contact with as well, it is in the best interest of all involved parties that the populations of these arthropods be monitored continually and culled when necessary. To underscore the urgency of this item, it shall be piggy-backed onto the wildly popular Hairball Maintenance Act of 1996.

Spray Bottle Bill

The universal feline aversion to water has been exploited for decades to serve what is ultimately a human agenda. Countless cats across the nation have been sprayed by spray bottles as punishment for actions which are out of their control. As established by the Feline Behavior Protocol study of 1992, all cats have an uncontrollable desire to scratch at the arms of couches and to climb certain curtains. As spraying cats with water will not alter their base nature, I, Socks the cat, hereby propose to establish a 3-day waiting period on the purchase of spray bottles. During this time, those who wish to purchase spray bottles will have to undergo background checks to see whether or not they have a history of hyrokinetic feline admonishment. Those who fail the background checks shan't be permitted to purchase further spray bottles. In the meantime, a 4% tax shall be levied on spray bottles to help provide funding for behavioral research into this most feline of afflictions, so that the couches and curtains of this great nation may remain as pristine and untarnished as our great tradition of human/feline cooperation in the name of democracy.

Snippets From Tales Of Victory And Triumph Nobody Cares To Hear

"...So there I was, playing Tetris with a screen so full that I was almost done for, waiting for one of those long blue pieces so that I could clear a few lines. But then I got a Z-piece. And then an S-piece. And then another Z- I was about ready to put down the controller and call it quits, when, all of a sudden, I got two long pieces in a row, cleared 8 lines, and moved onto level twelve. Now, if you thought Tetris was hard in level eleven, then wait'll you hear about level twelve. I had a T-piece to start..."

"...And that's when I noticed that I had one less white sock than I should have. Nobody was home but me, so it couldn't have been stolen out of the dryer. It's still in the dryer, I thought, that's why I can't find that sock. Knowing the gravity of the situation, I steeled myself for what I had to do next- I had to put my bare hand in the dryer and feel around for my missing sock. Believe you me, not even the Maytag repair man had ever seen a dryer so fierce..."

"...One car went past me, then another, then another. I looked both ways, then realized that I had my window of opportunity. I could see a station wagon in the distance, so I knew I had to act right then. I don't know what came over me- I guess you'd call it an adrenaline rush- but I walked right across that street without ever looking back. Needless to say, when I made it to the other side I was petrified, because the station wagon came zooming by where I had been standing just a few seconds earlier..."

"...I pushed as hard as I could, but couldn't get it to budge. Frantic, I turned the aspirin bottle over to read the instructions- maybe I was trying to open the wrong kind of cap? As it turns out, I was. It was one of those ones where you have to push the two tabs in on the side. Now, I don't know if you've ever tried to perform a precision operation such as this with a mild headache, but it is not pleasant..."

"...The sound was maddening, deafening almost. Fueled by the sort of crazed determination only experienced during fits of insomnia, I crept towards the bathroom, ready to do whatever it took to stop that toilet from running for the rest of the evening. The tile was cold on my bare feet- cold like death, but I had already turned on the lights so I could see what I was doing, and I sure as heck wasn't about to turn back after that..."

Erno Rubik Challenges The World

Behold! Look at what I, Erno Rubik, have created- A cube! A Rubik's cube! Tremble in fear, mere mortals, for your day of reckoning has come. What I hold in my hand may look like a simple child's toy- something you would give to a toddler to keep them occupied while you chat on the phone- but no! It is far more... Hidden behind this innocuously colored facade is a puzzle who's solution remains just beyond your grasp in perpetuity. The challenge is simple- arrange the panels of the cube such that each side is composed of a single color. But go on and try- I assure you that you will fail, for I, Erno Rubik, have created this cube and therefore only I, Erno Rubik, can tame this beastly puzzle! Cower before my cube, beg for mercy, and perhaps I shall grant it to you. Otherwise, fear my fiendish cube!

This cube is my payback to the world for having ostracized me for so many years. People fear what they do not understand. Therefore I, a man of exceeding intelligence, have been unwillingly made into a recluse due to years of being held at arm's length by the ignorant masses who could not fathom the depths of my brilliance no matter how hard they tried. As a boy, I was mocked and teased because I mastered arithmetic well before the other pupils in my class. The rest of the Hungarian children in my grammar school did not understand how I could grasp concepts such as multiplication tables or prime numbers so easily, and so they shunned me. Girls would not kiss me, for they thought me to be a vampyre who sucked people's brains to heighten my own intellect. By the time I was in college, professors refused to have me in their classes, for I would only complete homework assignments in a base-six numerical alphabet of my own design- and why shouldn't I? It is far more efficient than this clunky and cumbersome 26-lettered alphabet which you peons insist on using. Even today, as a full grown man, I have been forced to stop drawing blueprints for 7-dimensional buildings in order to keep my job as a professor of architecture. Well, I am tired of dumbing myself down for you all. That is why I have invented the cube.

Go on. Hold it in your hand. Do you not find the colors mesmerizing? Of course you do- I selected each hue myself, the wavelengths precisely tuned so as to cause maximum excitation in the visual cortex. Once you see it, you feel compelled to turn it over, to examine all sides of it. You are fascinated by it. Notice the disarray. The blues are not next to the blues! The reds are next to the whites! Yellow and green are scattered about like wildflowers in a cow pasture! What's that orange doing there? You are disgusted by it, yet somehow you cannot look away. A morbid curiosity possesses you. As you turn, slowly you begin to notice something- the cube is not some static representation of chaos. No no- far from, my friend. It turns about several axes, allowing you to move rows and columns of color about. You have control over this cube.

But you are no fool, are you? Aware of how unsurmountable a task it would be to try to align all six colors simultaneously, you decide to break this problem down into chunks. I'll start with the blues, you think. Already, you are defeated! The second you solve one side, you shall have to unsolve it to solve another, and then unsolve that side to solve yet another, and another, and another, and another! Your mind reels from the strain of it all- you have independently solved six colored sides of the cube, yet the cube on the whole remains unsolved to you! Staggering backwards from the force of it all, you assume that you are close to a complete solution, but you could not be further from the truth. Do you know why? You must solve each side simultaneously! But you can't! You must do so, but it is impossible to do so! What a condundrum! What a paradox! Not since Alexander the Great was presented with the Gordian knot has humanity been confronted by such an intractable problem!

...Or so it would seem. If Erno can do it, you think, why cant' I? Surely I am as clever as that Hungarian geek. Maybe you are- but there's only one way to find out. Pour yourself into my cube. Let the puzzle I have created capture your mind. For every second of my life that I have spent alone, pining for companionship, the rest of humankind shall spend an hour alone with my cube, consumed by it. Conversation will cease, as would-be socialites devote themselves to solving my fiendish puzzle, and the globe shall fall silent save for the gentle click-clacking of a billion cubes being rearranged in vain. You shall all be forced to become recluses as have I! I shall teach you to shun me! I shall have my revenge for each wedgie and wet willie I received as a child! Instead of being snubbed, I shall be revered as a god for I have created something that the mind of man can never hope to understand- the Rubik's cube!