Selected Quotes From "Lord Of The Roads," A Road Trip Movie Starring Pip And Merry Which Takes Place The Summer Before "The Fellowship Of The Ring"

Pip and Merry's wagon has been pulled over by a Hobbit Constable just outside of Sacksville.
Hobbit Constable: Do you boys know how fast this wagon was going?
Pip: Hmm. Good question. Merry?
Merry: Well, Pip... The constable caught up to us while we were still on our first pipeful of Old Toby, so we must have been going...
Pip/Merry: Not fast enough!
They depart hastily, leaving the constable in a cloud of dust.

Pip and Merry's wagon is stopped by an Elven border patrol at the edge of Rivendell.
Elf: Prithee, halflings- where are your travelling papers?
Pip: Papers? (To Merry) We don't have any papers! What do we do?
Merry: (To Pip) Don't worry, Pip- I'll handle this situation. (To Elf) I've got our papers right here...
Merry motions as if to pull some papers from his vest, then kicks the elf in the crotch. They depart hastily, leaving the elf in a cloud of dust.
Pip: I thought you said you were going to handle the situation!
Merry: I did handle the situation!
Pip: You didn't handle the situation- you footled that elf's wedding tackle! Now we're going to have every elf in Rivendell after us!
Merry: Don't worry, Pip- I'll handle it.
Pip: That's what I'm worried about!

Pip and Merry's mule has overheated, forcing them to stop at Weathertop to assess the situation.
Pip: I told you we should have let him rest before we left Bree. Now we're stuck here!
Merry: Don't worry, Pip- I've got a plan. I'm just going to feed him some of this lembas bread...
Pip: Lembas bread? But there's an embargo!
Merry: I know a guy. This stuff should put some spring back in his step.
Pip: I don't know...
Merry gives the lembas bread to the mule. The mule instantly perks up and departs hastily, leaving Pip and Merry in a cloud of dust.
Merry: Pip?
Pip: Yes, Merry?
Merry: We should have never left the Shire.
Pip: I know, Merry. I know.