Wildebeest Wanderlust

Hey, other wildebeests- aren't you bored? I know I am. We've been grazing on this same stupid patch of grassland since November. I don't know about you gnus, but I'm really starting to go stir crazy. I've been going to the same stupid watering hole every night for months now, and I'm totally over it. Sure the weather's not too bad here, and there's plenty of cute Impalas to grunt at, but I just want a change of pace, you know? Call me crazy, but I say it's high time we did something fun and got out of this place. You know what that means... Road trip!!!

I've got everything all figured out, so hear me out on this. If we're going on a road trip, then we're going all out. Go big or go home, you know? Now, I'm not looking to forge lasting friendships with a couple of my closest buddies this summer. I'm looking to party all night, every night for the next few months, and I'm looking to do it on the move. We've got a chance to do something awesome with this road trip, so we had better do it right. For starters, we get a bunch of us together, and I mean a bunch. Like a million. Maybe a million and a half. No joke. But don't worry, recruiting the rest of the herd won't be hard at all- not once they hear that we're going to all the hottest wildebeest party locations! I'm talking Tanzania, Kenya, and, of course, Masai Mara, where all the hottest co-ed gnus go to get down! Woo! I don't know about you gnus, but I'm gonna Seren-get me some serious action with a she-debeest once we get there. After all, what happens in Masai Mara stays in Masai Mara.

Now, I know what you're thinking- you're worried about predators. Cheetahs, Lions, Hyenas... Sure, they'll be trying to harsh our mellow the whole trip, but you know what? I don't care. That's right. You know why? Because we're gonna travel in a huge herd. The more the merrier. If we just agree at the outset that everybody's got everybody else's back, then everybody's back is got by a million other everybodys. I've never met a carnivore who could take on a million wildebeests all by themselves, so what have we got to worry about? Yeah, we might lose a few of the sick or old to some of the more aggressive hunters out there, but truth be told, we'd lose just as many to river crocodiles if we stayed here at Ngorongoro. Besides, if we stay here any longer, we'll die of boredom, because there's no way we're gonna have as much fun here as we will on a road trip. Also, we'll be in a protected game reserve the entire time, so we won't even have to worry about poachers, and trust me- when you've got a hide that looks as good as mine, you've gotta worry.

So let's do it. Let's not mope around here for the rest of the year. Let's get out there and show Africa what we're made of. I say we go gnuts! Let's grunt and eat grass and stampede all night long until both of our toes on all four of our feet are sore. Let's charge at safari buses and veer off at the last second. Let's remember that we only have 20-25 years on this earth, and let's try to make this year the best one yet. And, most importantly- let's make sure that everybody on the Serengeti knows just one thing- we are not just another bunch of meek wildebeests. We're wildbeests. We're fungulates. We're awesome- and this road trip will be too.

Let's roll.