Magritte's Son Of Man Visits The Opthalmologist

Nope... No... Try that last one again, would you? No luck. All I see is an apple. You see, Dr. Ernst, this has been my recurring problem for some time now- regardless of what prescription corrective lens I wear, or exercise I try to strengthen my eyes, all can I see is an apple. As you can imagine, this has been considerably more than a minor nuisance to me of late, as I can't see anything aside from the aforementioned apple. I've put a lot of thought into this matter- I've spent many a day standing by my favorite seawall, calmly weighing my options as passers-by jeered me ("Grandpa Smith," they have called me, or "Johnny Appleface"), but I have finally made up my mind- I want to correct my vision with lasers.

I know that as an opthalmologist, you are probably bombarded by wisenheimers day in and day out who somehow have a near infinity of ideas on how to improve their vision and zero training in your field. Let me say up front that I am not just another wisenheimer, Dr. Ernst. I was a pre-med as an undergraduate at the Belgian National Academy, and I've had my fair share of courses in eye-ology because of it. Did you know that I am able to name several parts of the eye? Cornea, iris, and eye-vein. I could go on, but there's no sense in preaching to the choir. Let's get down to brass tacks and correct my vision with lasers.

We are living in the 21^st century, are we not, Dr. Ernst? I think that someday history will remember the manner in which vision is traditionally corrected as flat out barbarous. To think- we are an advanced civilization, but the best that we can do when a man can see naught but an apple in front of him is to make eye-shaped lenses out of flexible plastics and put them directly on the eye. Directly on the eye! Good heavens! And what of spectacles? Do you really mean to suggest that strapping a small nose harness fitted with polished glass is the best we can do? Ridiculous, I say. High energy pulses of electromagnetic energy aimed precisely at the tender living tissue which composes the eyeball itself ought to be sufficient to cure most visual ailments, and I want to use it to cure my applopia.

The procedure will be quite simple, Dr. Ernst, and I am confident that my eye-ology background will enable me to lead you through it without any problems. We will simply use the lasers to reshape my corneas, irises, and eye-veins such that the image of the apple is countered out. You know, like a bas-relief. If all goes well, I should be able to ride myself home on my bicycle- that's it just out the window, the one with the front wheel that's about five feet tall. I can't see it because of this lousy apple, but unless it's been stolen, it should be outside. Of course, I wouldn't have to guess as to its whereabouts if I had laser vision. Sorry- laser corrected vision.

I've presented my point to you as best as I am able, Dr. Ernst, and now I must go. I should hope that you will take my idea into consideration when determing how best to correct my condition. When you have made my decision, you have my contact information in my file, and I shall be waiting by my lobster phone, anticipating your call. Now then, if you could just point me in the direction of the door, I shall be on my way. I apologize in advance for anything that I knock over on my way out.