Legislature Proposed By Socks The Cat During The Clinton Administration

The Feline Medical Leave Act

Insofar as people prefer cute kitties, and cute kitties must be healthy kitties, I, Socks the cat, hereby propose the following: mother cats must be allowed to take extended leaves of absence from their places of work so that they may take care of the business of raising cute kitties. I would like to remind those who oppose this proposal on the grounds of lost profit from productivity that cute kittie calendars have been the single highest grossing domestic export for the past six years. By passing this legislature we can ensure that the supply of cute, happy, well-raised kitties will be sustained. Meow.

Fleacare Reform

Whereas the systems in place to deal with human maladies have been updated with some regularity since their inception, the systems in place to attend to feline maladies are grossly outdated. In response to this, I, Socks the cat, propose that from here on, state governments shall provide a 2% yearly funding increase into state programs for flea and tick prevention. As these parasites afflict not only cats, but the humans they come in contact with as well, it is in the best interest of all involved parties that the populations of these arthropods be monitored continually and culled when necessary. To underscore the urgency of this item, it shall be piggy-backed onto the wildly popular Hairball Maintenance Act of 1996.

Spray Bottle Bill

The universal feline aversion to water has been exploited for decades to serve what is ultimately a human agenda. Countless cats across the nation have been sprayed by spray bottles as punishment for actions which are out of their control. As established by the Feline Behavior Protocol study of 1992, all cats have an uncontrollable desire to scratch at the arms of couches and to climb certain curtains. As spraying cats with water will not alter their base nature, I, Socks the cat, hereby propose to establish a 3-day waiting period on the purchase of spray bottles. During this time, those who wish to purchase spray bottles will have to undergo background checks to see whether or not they have a history of hyrokinetic feline admonishment. Those who fail the background checks shan't be permitted to purchase further spray bottles. In the meantime, a 4% tax shall be levied on spray bottles to help provide funding for behavioral research into this most feline of afflictions, so that the couches and curtains of this great nation may remain as pristine and untarnished as our great tradition of human/feline cooperation in the name of democracy.