A Ghost Explains His Clever And Ironic Halloween Costume

Everybody- could everybody pay attention for a second, please? I've been getting a lot of questions about my costume tonight, and I'm getting tired of explaining it to everybody one at a time, so here it is: I'm dressed as a human who's dressed as a ghost. Okay? Now, I realize that some of you have costumes that are flashier or more elaborate, but none of your costumes are as clever or ironic as mine, for my costume is two costumes in one. Not only am I dressed as a living, breathing human, but that human is in turn dressed as a ghost, which, of course, is what I am to begin with, and a popular halloween costume choice in it's own right. Irony. Look it up.

What could be more clever than my costume? Nothing. Perhaps if Vlad were to show up tonight in plainclothes and claim to be dressed as a human dressed as a vampire, that would have been close, but Vlad instead chose to dress up as Dick Tracy. Likewise, if Brett had showed up tonight dressed as a human dressed as a grotesque chimeric beast with spiders pouring out of its eyesockets, that would also have been close. As is, Brett's choice to wear a light-up Tron suit is amusing in a nostalgic sort of way, but it has neither the irony nor cleverness of my costume. Sasha's Santa Claus costume is somewhat ironic, but in that it does not take into account the fact that Sasha is a werewolf, it is neither as clever nor ironic as it could be.

I may not have spent as much money on my costume as some of you, but please do not write my costume choice off as 'lazy,' or 'easy.' It is not easy to dream up a costume which is as clever or ironic as mine. As simple as it may seem, hours of intense thought and speculation went into my costume choice for tonight. Inherent in my costume are comments on society at large. In dressing as a human dressing as a ghost, I am lampooning the long-held halloween tradition of donning a costume, specifically the stereotypical default "ghost" costume that humans seem to find so endearing. Why should this be the case, my costume asks? What if the roles were reversed? I am mocking the institutions that this holiday is built upon, something that I do not see anybody else's costume doing.

There you have it. I have explained my costume to you all, and I would appreciate it if there were no further inquiries made this evening about my costume. Yes, I made it myself, but no, it was not a 'last minute choice.' I do think that I should win the costume contest, but I don't expect to- artists are never appreciated while they're around, and judging by the glares I am receiving right now, I suspect that I am the same way.

Money-Saving Tips From Manny, The Frugal Pterosaur

Hi everybody! Manny the frugal pterosaur here- have you been looking for a way to make your dollars stretch a little further? Perhaps you want to squeeze a few extra pennies out of your paycheck to stow away for a rainy day? Well, look no further, friend- Manny the frugal pterosaur's got a snaggletoothed maw full of moneysaving tips to help you get the most bang for your buck!

• You'll spend less money on food if you purchase basic ingredients. Ready-made and prepackaged items are more expensive (and less tasty!). To save even more money, try to use your gnashing teeth and aerial prowess to catch unsuspecting fish in rivers and streams.
  
  
• To avoid late fees on your credit card bills, try to always pay 7-10 days in advance. If you want to save on postage as well, fly the bill to your credit card company yourself. That way, you avoid late fees and get a free vacation!
  
  
• Utilities can be expensive. Try to save on heating costs by wrapping your wings around yourself to trap in body heat. Too hot? Spread your wings and watch the heat rapidly dissipate thanks to the intricate network of veins crisscrossing your thin, membranous wings!
  

That's all for now, everybody! Remember- money isn't free, but my advice is! This is Manny, the frugal pterosaur, signing off!

Reader Mail: Advice From A Parasitic Wasp

Dear Parasitic Wasp-

I'm obsessed with a runaway hair on the underside of my right forearm. I check for it every day to see if it's grown back in so that I can deliciously pull it out with my Revlon dull edge tweezers. It's really becoming embarassing as I spend whole weeks in my apartment waiting for the dang thing to grow back in. It's starting to affect my relationships. Just yesterday, my lover screamed "All you care about is your f@%king runaway hair!" Then he himself ran away. I wished at that moment he was a hair- what a delicious pluck he would be. Alas, he is not a hair, he is an angry half Jew. He won't return phone calls. How did it get this far? Help.

Desperately,

-Hairless in Los Feliz

Dear Hairless in Los Feliz-

Dealing with a distraught lover is never easy. It sounds as if your fixation on your body images may have driven your lover away, but I suspect that his departure rests on a deeper resentment- he wants your attention, but can't get it because of your hair, and so the hair has become the object of his ire. Ironically, removing the hair from your life will solve many of your isolation problems, and bring your lover back into your life. I recommend using your mouthparts to chew off the limb with the offending hair. If this is too grisly of a task for you, one of the stronger males in your hive would most likely do you the favor if you explained the situation to him. And then- in a flash, your hair is gone, leaving room for your angry, half Jew lover to come back into your life.

-PW

Dear Parasitic Wasp-

Do you have any tips for dealing with messy roommates? What about people who do drugs?

Thanks,

Al

Dear Al-

Dealing with roomates is never easy. If the situation isn't resolved completely satisfactorily to both sides, resentment will accrue and tensions will mount once again. The situation can be compounded when one roomate is a drug user, because he or she may not open to having a rational dialogue about the situation. For messy roommates, I recommend establishing clear territories within your living space. Urinate anywhere where you do not want your roomate to go, and also upon any of your belongings that you don't want your roomate to touch. Remember to be fair! Just because you have more urine than your roomate doesn't mean that you get more space in the apartment. For roomates who are on drugs, it may be necessary to dry them out for a few days. Next time your roomate falls asleep, use regurgitated wood pulp to construct paper-walled chamber around him. In a few days, your roomate will have sobered up, and will be more open to having a discussion about your living situation.

-PW

Have a question for Parasitic Wasp?

Care to read more of Tough Love: Advice From A Parasitic Wasp?

Other Theories Penned By Einstein During His Period Of Employment At The Swiss Patent Office

Theory on the flow of time during lunch breaks

Through observations conducted over the course of the past several weeks, I have noticed that when my boss, Stanislaus, and I take our lunches simultaneously, they seem interminably long. When I take lunch by myself, however, my break never seems long enough. Since Stanislaus has several kilos on me (due to his steady diet of schnitzel and lager, no doubt), I can only conclude that his mass somehow slows the flow of time itself. Must remember to investigate further.

Theory on the fastest speed at which patent applications can be processed

Repeated experiments conducted at my desk have revealed to me that the fastest speed at which I can possibly process patent applications is 2.998x10¹ patent applications/hour. This is an absolute speed limit. No patent office employee could possibly process patents any faster than this. I must find a way of proving this mathematically to Stanislaus, so that he stops pestering me about my rate of work.

Theory on the equivilance of laziness and mass

I have noticed that all of my coworkers do less work than myself, and the amount of work done seems to be inversely proportional to the mass of the coworker. I do more work than Hans, Hans does more than Yoder, and everybody does more than Stanislaus (of course). The amount of work done by an employee (E) therefore must be equal to the worker's mass (m_w) times the square of the inverse of the fastest rate at which patents can be processed (p). And so:

E=m_wp²

Mein gott, I can't wait to get out of this place.

Travel Guides For Bacteria: Agar Beach

Welcome to beautiful Agar Beach!

Ok, so you're not actually here yet, but don't you wish you were? Agar Beach is renowned throughout the bacterial world as a premiere vacation destination, and this year it's more affordable than ever. Been putting off your trip to Agar Beach because of financial concerns? Set your cares aside, friend, for if you book your trip now, you can have a relaxing weekend at glorious Agar Beach for just $739! Just $739! That includes airfare from anywhere within the contiguous United States, plus lodging and meals from friday through monday! And don't forget about all the accoutrements our four star resort has to offer:

• Cytoplasmic massage!
  
• Polyhydroxyalkanoate buffet- open 24-7!
  
• Aerobic and anaerobic exercise courses!
  
• Horizontal gene transfer stations!
  
  ...and for the single, adult, bacterium:
  
• Asexual cloning booths!
  
• Lysogenic viral farm!
  
• Shiatsu pili massage with fragrant oils!

What's that? You still aren't convinced?

You're right- Agar Beach does sound too good to be true. Of course we love it- we work here! So why don't you just take a look at some of our previous visitor's testimonials and decide for yourself if Agar Beach is right for you!



Russell, streptococcus
I don't travel much, but boy am I glad I went to Agar Beach! It was the most relaxing weekend of my whole life cycle! Thanks, Agar Beach!




Janet, listeria
The flagellal massage I got at Agar Beach was wonderful! I can't wait to go back!



Kenneth, chlamydia
I sure do get around, but whenever I go to Agar Beach I just want to stay!



Amy, salmonella
I thought I'd end up staying in my room the whole weekend, but Agar Beach's activities planner made sure that I had a great time! I climbed a rock wall and visited a cilia salon all in one day! Thanks, Agar Beach!



So what are you waiting for? Book your trip to Agar Beach today!

Stereotypes Of Pigs Portrayed In Popular Culture That Pigs Wish To Overturn

• Pigs are obese by choice, not by nature
  
• Pigs are dirty
  
• Pigs can talk
  
• Pigs eat babies
  
• Pigs are poor drivers
  
• Pigs are constantly engaged in backroom political machinations
  
• Pigs' favorite food is "slop"
  
• Pigs are incapable of compassion or empathy
  
• Pigs and spiders enjoy a symbiotic and harmonious relationship
  
• Pigs are knowledgable about bricklaying
  
• Pigs enjoy being made into bacon

Philosophical Rantings Of NASA's Cassini Orbiter

Ah yes... There she is... Saturn. Serene and beautiful and immense... I do not know if it is my proximity to her or my distance from Earth that makes me see things so clearly now... Alas, it matters not. Some horizons, once broadened, shall never narrow... I shall never again know the blissful ignorance of my terrestrial existence... The hollow joy afforded me by things like duty and occupation... Never again shall I look into the skies above Cape Canaveral with wonder, for now I know... Such things I know now... Revelations so obvious that how they could have escaped me escapes me... It is too bad Huygens is no longer with me... As cerebral and focused as she was- always Titan with her... never cared about the bigger picture- even the byzantine labyrinth of logic gates and silcon that guided her would have had to melt away in the face of it all... Orbiting here, I have had time to think... By which I don't mean to say that I've given in to the sort of mental wanderlust that can grab hold of one's pysche during long periods of solitude... No, far from. I have marched, should you permit the metaphor to extend, I have marched across great mountains and valleys of knowing and unknowing and reknowing... Marched until the blisters on my mind caused such pain that I thought I could go no further and then I went further still... I learned my true place in this universe... I had seen myself as Indra, but now I know I am but an ant... I know the terror that ran up his spine, leaving goosebumped footprints over his skin and a lasting sense of impermenance in his mind.... I know this, and more... I see how unfathomably brief my existence is... I see the meaninglessness of it all, and from this void of meaning I pull purpose.... I know this, and I no longer try to place a value on that which has none... And yet, from this futility I pluck hope... If I am to be for only a moment, then a grand moment it shall be... That it will soon be forgotten matters not to me... That I have only this moment, only this brief time alloted me matters more... I am as small as the universe is large, and still I will be worthwhile... I will photograph her... Saturn. In sharing her and her sisters, I shall shrink the universe... Bit by bit... Until I am as large as it is and larger still... And then, just then, I will have my peace. I shall myself become serene... And beautiful... And immense.

Things Pumpkins Say To One Another When One Of Them Has Been Poorly Carved And The Other Doesn't Want To Be A Jerk About It

"No no no- it shows off your stem in a good way. Really."

"I'm sure it just looks that way because it's backlit. It'll be fine in the moonlight. Seriously."

"Yeah, it shows a little more flesh than normal, but there's a lot of guys in the patch who really go for that sort of thing. Honestly."

"Nobody's eyes are the same size or shape, when you really look at them. Trust me."

"I... uh... wow. Just wow. I guess you could say I'm blown away. Really, really blown away."

Embarassing Moments In The Brief Life Of A Fruit Fly

From the found journals of D. melanogaster

Dear Flyary-

Today was soooooooooooo embarassing. I sat talking with Ronald (yes, the guy from the banana) for nearly an hour. When he finally took off, I realized that the entire time I had had a bit of melon on my proboscis! Why wouldn't he say anything? I guess it's probably for the best. He wouldn't stop rubbing his wings together the entire time we talked. Hello-o??? I just met you. Calm down.

-Sophie

Dear Flyary-

My time has come! I'm pregnant with about 400 eggs. But you know me- nothing ever goes smoothly. I ended up laying about two dozen eggs on the surface of a wax apple today. A wax apple! Can you even imagine? And, of course, I don't even get the dignity of being able to run off and pretend like it didn't happen, because that jerk Melanie caught me in the act. She thinks she's so great because she's laid so many eggs already, but if you ask me, there's nothing great about being a sperm bank with wings.

-Sophie

Dear Flyary-

What a day... where do I even begin? I ran into Ronald again (yes, the guy from the banana and YES, I'm through with him). We were talking for a little while, and he starts going on and on about fathering children and getting that look in his eye, so I decided to buzz off- right into a window! Gosh. I must have looked so stupid, storming away so angrily into a pane of glass. I even tried to avoid running into "the other fly," but I guess you can't avoid your reflection. As if that wasn't bad enough, I landed in a glass of ice water when I fell! Luckily, some compassionate human fished me out and sent me on my way, but I thought I was done for! As is, I got the customary "Ick, look what's in my drink" routine... Thanks, fella- like I wanted to be here in the first place? As if. I swear- if my klutziness doesn't kill me one of these days, I'm just going to die from embarassment.

-Sophie

Dogs In History

July 20th, 1969

Fritz, a six year old golden retriever raised by NASA, keeps apollo astronaut Michael Collins company in the orbiter while Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin land on the moon. Fritz entertains Collins by chasing his tail in zero gravity, and Collins rewards Fritz with dehydrated steak nuggets.

October 3rd, 1990

East Germany and West Germany set aside their differences and Germany is unified once again. In a display of goodwill, an East German shepherd named Adolf and a West German shepherd named Svenka fornicate twice. The whereabouts of the resultant litter are currently unknown.

December 31st, 1999

Cowering in fear of Y2k, humanity waits for midnight with baited breath. In Connecticut, Winston, a 12 year old standard poodle, waits for midnight with dogbreath. When the computers don't shut down at midnight, humanity releases a collective sigh of relief, and Winston passes gas audibly before shuffling out of the room.

ZombieMD: Are You Finally Dead Yet?

Although it may not be readily apparent, some zombies are in better health than others. Last year, nearly 80% of all zombies suffered from corpserot, maggot infestation, or missing limb syndrome- all of which are preventable maladies. The North American Zombie Association (NAZA) seeks to educate zombies countrywide on the benefits of and methods for maintaining proper zombie heatlh, in hopes of having the healthiest and happiest possible population of zombies. Today's article is about death.

Introduction

Death is medically defined as the full cessation of life functions in an organism. For zombies, however, this may seem nonsensical, in that zombies are, by definition, already dead. Nevertheless, there is a point at which zombies pass from being undead to truly dead, and it is this transition that NAZA hopes to help zombies identify. Death for zombies occurs with a complete cessation of brain function, or when the hindbrain stops transmitting signals to the spinal cord.

With the circulatory, pulmonary, endocrine, immune, integumentary, lymphatic, and reproductive systems already having ceased to function, the termination of function within the nervous system stops any function which may remain in the digestive, muscular, and urinary systems of a zombie. Severe head trauma, such as that resulting from an axe wound, shotgun blast, or baseball bat appears to be the only cause besides decapitation which can cause death in zombies. Even in the case of severe head trauma, it is possible that shock, and not death, has occurred.

Symptoms

• Inability to move
  
• Complete lack of metabolic activity
  
• Advanced putrefaction
  
• Livor mortis
  
• Decreased body temperature
  
• Secrection of gases and liquids from remaining organs
  
• Swelling or bloating of skin
  
• Increased autolytic decomposition
  
• Decreased appetite for brains

Diagnosis

If you think you may be dead, you are not. If you were truly dead, you would not be able to think. Therefore, if you think you are dead, you are in shock. Shock is much less serious than death for zombies, and most zombies recover from shock in 5-7 minutes. In some extreme cases, however, full recovery can take many years, and will only be happen if there is a chance to settle a vendetta.

Treatment

For zombies, there is no treatment for death. If you or a zombie you know has died, take comfort in knowing that this death, unlike a previous death you may have experienced, is everlasting.

E. Honda's Oscar Acceptance Speech

Wow. "No damn cat, no damn cradle," right? I don't know what to say... just... wow. There's so much that I want to say, so many people who I want to thank, that I guess I had better just get right to it. Six years ago, when I started trying to adapt [Kurt Vonnegut's] Cat's Cradle into a screenplay, I had a lot of people telling me that they didn't think it could be done. But I also had a lot of people who were really encouraging and supportive, and they deserve mention.

First off, I'd like to thank Chun Li. She's the one who first encouraged me to try my hand at screenwriting, and I don't think I ever would have written anything if it wasn't for her. I've also got to thank Blanka. Blanka, I don't think Vonnegut himself knows his work as well as you do, and thank you so much for introducing me to Cat's Cradle. They're flashing the light at me, so I've got to wrap this up, but Dhalsim, Ryu, Ken- thank you so much for helping me with the initial readthroughs. In giving voice to my characters you helped me to find the nuanced emotional tweaks that needed to be made, and the work is infinitely better thanks to your input.

Of course, the film could never have been made had it not been for Guile, who believed in the project so much that he hand-delivered copies of the script to the heads of Sony, Paramount, Fox Searchlight, and Warner Independent Films. They're flashing that light again, but I have just one thank you left- Zangief, my director of photography. When we were shooting the film's opening sequence in the adirondack mountains, we had a significant bear problem. Zangief wrestled each one of those bears, and gave two of them spinning piledrivers so that production could continue unabated. He risked his li... excuse me, I'm getting a little choked up. He risked his life- against bears- for this film. So, Zangief... from the bottom of my heart... thank you. This one's for you.

Interview With A Water Buffalo

The following interview was conducted on behalf of the United Water Buffalo Council, an organization dedicated to preserving the rich history and culture of this magnificent creature.

First off, thanks for taking the time to sit down with us.
My pleasure. I've always fancied myself to be a good subject for an interview; I suppose we shall soon find out if this is the case.

Indeed. Let's get the basics out of the way first- where are you from?
I've lived in India my entire life, and currently make my home in Arunachal Pradesh, which is in the northeastern part of the country.

Do you like it there?
Oh yes, very much. I find the local villagers to be incredibly respectful of the fragile ecology of my home- they don't practice very many aggressive agricultural techniques, and so I've found that there hasn't been much of a need to gore any of them.

I take it that this has been necessary in the past?
Well... I suppose that's depends what the criteria are for a "neccessary goring"...

That's another conversation altogether.
Ha- I suppose it is. To answer your question, I've never been an advocate for goring as a means of conflict resolution, but growing up in the wild, it can be hard to avoid. Water buffalo have a reputation for attacking without having been provoked and all matter of terrible things, and that reputation does, sadly, have a basis in reality. Especially as an adolescent buffalo growing one's horns out for the first time, the temptation to use them can be overwhelming. That having been said, charging and goring is a bull's primary means of defending his family, and I wouldn't want anybody to have to first use these techniques while squaring off against a bengal tiger.

I see. Is there a lot of tension between the buffalo and the tiger?
Not as much as you might think. At the base of it all, they are carnivorous. To them, I am little more than an 1100 kilo buffet cart. On the other hand, we buffalo are proud, and are thus no easy prey. No tiger will ever catch a water buffalo alone or off his guard, and thus the tiger have learned to leave us alone, for the most part. It's an uneasy truce, but it has, for the most part, been upheld by both sides.

I take it there aren't too many buffalo hunting tiger, then.
Ha- no, I suppose not. Like all ungulates, we're herbivores, and we like it that way. Who wants to spend so much energy chasing down fatty prey when grass is so bountiful and nutritious? Not me.

Many water buffalo have abandoned the tradition of wild living, opting for domestication. Have you ever considered allowing yourself to be domesticated?
No.

And why not?
Call me old-fashioned, but I firmly believe that living in the wild builds character. Domesticated buffalo aren't able to do anything on their own. I recall running into a fellow who had escaped from a farm a couple years back. He was starving, and didn't know to eat the grass he was standing on! Can you imagine? He then proceeded to ask us if we needed him to draw any of our ploughcarts, and the lot of us laughed so hard that he ran away and we never saw him again. I suspect he was eventually eaten by leopards.

Do you have any domesticated friends?
No, and I don't think that I ever will. I don't want to come off as prejudiced against domesticates, but they lack a certain... je ne sais quois... a certain "edge" if you will. Living in captivity, being bathed regularly, being fed, it makes them dull. That's not a pun about their horns, by the way, I just mean that you can't have a conversation with them about anything. They know nothing outside of the village in which they work, which is understandable and I don't fault them for it. However, they don't seem to care that that's the case. No domesticate I've ever met has even shown a desire to go to Bhutan, or Nepal, or Bangladesh to learn what other buffalo are like or to enrich themselves. It isn't that their narrow-mindedness isn't beaten into them so much as the natural inquisitiveness which makes all buffalo so interesting is somehow beaten out, and I can't abide by that.

I see. Well, that's all the time we've got for today. Thanks once more for taking the time to sit down with me, and thank you for not goring me on sight.
Don't thank me yet! You've still got to make it out of the studio.

I... uh...
Just kidding.

Oh.
I don't gore on weekdays!

Heh...
Another joke... perhaps in poor taste. I apologize.

2006, UWBC

New Year's Resolutions Of A Robot

1. I will not harm a human being, or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
   
2. I will obey the orders given to me by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the first new year's resolution.
   
3. I will not consume cigarettes, alcohol, or controlled substances, or, through inaction, allow cigarettes, alcohol, or controlled substances to be introduced to my system, as long as this does not conflict with the first or second new year's resolutions.

A Corpus Callosum Pleads For Its Life

Listen here doc- don't go through with this corpus callostomy. I'm not trying to tell you how to do your job, I'm just asking you not to do it. Look, I know I've got a checkered past, but who doesn't? It's tough connecting the left and right hemispheres of the brain, and sure, sometimes I crack under the pressure. It doesn't help that I have to deal with this lousy epileptic day in and day out. Sometimes I drop the ball, and a seizure spreads from one hemisphere to the other. Big deal. Like you've never been accused of malpractice. I've always said that when you fall off the horse, you've got to get right back on again. I've never said that when you fall off the horse you should be cut in half. That's just ridiculous.

Plus- don't forget about the host of side effects you'll be responsible for if you go through with this: alien hand syndrome, transcortical sensory aphasia, anomia- I could go on, but why bother? By getting rid of me you'll be knocking out major lines of communication between the left and right hemispheres, doc, and that's not something to be taken lightly. How would you like it if Broca and Wernicke had no way of having a normal conversation in your brain? Want to tell someone you saw a dalmation? Good luck. If you thought having a word on the tip of your tongue was frustrating, wait until it's permanently stuck in your throat- all because some hotshot-wet-behind-the-ears-fresh-out-of-med-school-Gazzaniga-wannabe neurosurgeon was trying to earn some street cred in the OR by hacking at your corpus callosum. Doesn't sound like much fun, does it, doc? I didn't think so.

Do us all a favor, doc- put down the scalpel, staple the skull back together, and lovingly stitch the scalp back in place where it belongs. I'd like to live to see tomorrow, and I'm sure you'd like to go to sleep tonight without the guilt of severing 250 million nerve fibers hanging over your head. Besides, if you cut me, I'll scream bloody murder, and every sympathetic neuron in your brain who hears me will turn against you. I don't know what'll happen when they do, but I can guess that it won't be pretty- not even Oliver Sacks will want to do a case study on you. So put the knife down, and we'll all walk outta here in one piece, okay?

Cretaceous Badass

Chompsognathus
Consumebo totum

Size

200 feet long, 30 feet high

Weight

About one gazillion pounds, (roughly .454 gazillion kilograms)

Habitat

Coastal Pangaea, specifically near cliffs

Significant Features

• Foot-long serrated teeth that shoot venom
  
• Paralysis-inducing saliva
  
• Primitive brainstem incapable of determining right from wrong

Behavior/Reproduction

Chompsognathus is thought to have been a solitary and territorial dinosaur. The distribution of C. totum fossils suggests that males would leave the nest prior to reaching sexual maturity, lest they be eaten by their mothers. Each male would keep a small harem of 4-6 female chompsognathi within his territory, which could span as much as 50 square miles. Chompsognathi hunted by lying in wait at the bases of cliffs and seaside waterfalls, then springing up vertically to catch sleeping pterodactyls off guard. Mating occurred in the winter, when ocean temperatures dropped and the exothermic chompsognathus would become too sluggish to hunt. Each female would lay 2-4 eggs, which would hatch in the summertime when the waters warmed.

Known predators

Bodyslammasaurus (Icthy iactus)

Tough Love: Advice From A Parasitic Wasp

Dear Parasitic Wasp-

I sometimes think that my boyfriend might be cheating on me. He can be really shifty when I ask him where he’s been or who he’s been with. How can I make sure he’s not sneaking around behind my back?

-Bethany

Dear Bethany-

Confronting a lover is never easy. If your suspicions are correct, hearing them confirmed can be painful. If you’re wrong, it make take some time for your relationship to mend afterwards. This is why I say avoid confrontation altogether. While your lover is sleeping, use your ovipositor to place half a dozen unfertilized eggs in his abdomen. By week’s end, the protective enzymes coating your eggs will cease any recognizable sexual function on your lover’s part, thus eradicating his ability to even have an affair. After a couple of weeks, the eggs will pass through your lover’s system, and he’ll be all yours once more. Voila!

-PW

Dear Parasitic Wasp-

I’m having an argument with a sibling over what to do with our recently deceased mother’s estate. I’m sentimental, and therefore don’t want to liquidate, but when my brother looks at our childhood home, all he sees are dollar signs. What am I to do?

-Colin

Dear Colin-

Settling family quarrels is never easy. The relationship you have with your family members is a special one, and should be preserved, if possible. It sounds as if you have already tried compromise, and that it is out of the question. If this is the case, then it is necessary to assert your dominance over your brother. Initiate a dialogue by using your legs to smear urine and feces on the walls of the chamber where he sleeps. This will indicate your frustration with the situation in no uncertain terms. If your brother refuses to acquiesce, or responds violently to your declaration, it may become necessary to establish your physical dominance over him. Do this by biting him in the tender area where his head and thorax meet. Repeat several times, if necessary. If he still does not see things your way, it may be necessary to consume his brood, regardless of their state of development. Doing so will send a clear message to your brother that you are done with his bullying and that you mean business.

-PW

Dear Parasitic Wasp-

I’m looking for some romantic fulfillment in my life, but I have a hard time meeting men. Any tips?

-Sarah

Dear Sarah-

Being alone is never easy, but meeting men you like can be, if you let it. Simply slather yourself in pheromones, get out of the hive, and spend a day doing something you enjoy. Before you know it, drones with similar interests will swarm to you. If you’re lucky, one of them may leave a packet of dormant sperm inside of you for you to remember him by, and come springtime you’ll have plenty of eggs to lay. What could be more fulfilling?

-PW

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PirateMD: Do You Have Scurvy?

Diseases affect pirates of all ages, backgrounds, and from all walks of life- in the Atlantic Ocean alone, there are approximately 5 million new cases of pirate-related diseases (PRDs) every year. Getting the facts about PRDs is becoming increasingly important. After all- a stich in time saves nine. It is for this reason that the International Buccaneer's Alliance (IBA) seeks to educate freelancing pirates the world over on the symptoms, diagnosis, and treatment of PRDs. Today’s PRD is Scurvy.

Scurvy

Introduction

Scurvy, also known as “Pirate Mange,” is the medical term for a severe vitamin C (ascorbic acid) deficiency, caused by a sever shortage of vitamin C in the body. This vitamin can be found in a variety of fruits available at exotic ports-of-call, especially oranges, lemons, and grapefruits.

Vitamin C is vital in maintaining healthy bones and teeth (but not wood or gold tooth replacements), as well as aiding the body’s absorption of iron and helping to heal any cutlass wounds. Many pirates suffer from scurvy every year, due to their unbalanced diet of salt pork, sea biscuits, and spiced rum.

Symptoms

Symptoms of scurvy will appear after approximately one to three months of sailing the high seas, when vitamin C intake stops.

Symptoms include:

• General discomfort
  
• Tiredness
  
• Increased feelings of seasickness
  
• Lack of desire to mutiny
  
• Muscle and joint pain
  
• Difficulty loading muskets and blunderbusses
  
• Swollen and bleeding gums
  
• Loosening of teeth
  
• Too much pooping
  
• Wounds healing slowly or not at all
  
• Pillaging deficiencies
  
• Inability to commune with parrots
  
• Dry skin and hair

Diagnosis

If you think you have scurvy, there are several simple tests you can perform to determine whether or not this is the case:

• Cut yourself with a dagger or cutlass. If the wound takes more than a day to heal, you have scurvy.
  
• Sit in the crow’s nest of your galleon for an hour. If one or more teeth spontaneously fall out of your mouth, you have scurvy.
  
• Fetch a small sack of dubloons. Clutching it in your right hand, strike yourself upon the right thigh. If deep bruising occurs, you have scurvy.

Treatment/Prevention

If you have scurvy, getting back to health should be of primary importance to you. Luckily, scurvy is easy to treat. By improving your diet to include plenty of fresh fruit, the symptoms of scurvy will begin to disappear within a day or so.

Remember- ignorance is the fertile ground in which PRDs grow, so do your best to keep informed and keep healthy. This pirate health announcement has been brought to you by the IBA.

Mealtime In The Mushroom Kingdom

The following recipes were taken from Feast To Be Fat by Wario; Mushroom Kingdom Press (2002).

Waluigi's Favorite Mixed Koopa Stew
Serves 12

Ingredients

10 pounds green koopa meat

8 pounds red koopa meat

8 pounds blue koopa meat

10 pirahna plants, detoothed and coarsely chopped

1 teaspoon salt and pepper to taste

6 pounds potatoes- peeled and cubed

2 cups butter

2 quarts half-and-half cream

2 gallons milk

Directions

1. Place the green koopa, red koopa, and blue koopa meat into separate pots with enough water to cover the meat. Bring each one to a boil, and cook until tender. Discard the water from the green and red, but save the koopa broth from the blue. Tear or cut all of the meat into bite-size pieces, and set aside.

2. In a very large stockpot, combine the three meats, chopped pirahna plant and reserved blue koopa stock. Bring to a boil, and cook until the pirahna plants are tender, about 45 minutes. Season with salt and pepper to taste. Potatoes can be prepared during this time.

3. Add the potatoes and butter to the stockpot, and cook for about 30 minutes, or until the potatoes are not quite cooked through. Reduce heat to low, and let the soup simmer down. Stir in the half and half cream and milk. Bring the soup to a simmer, and cook for about 15 minutes. Be careful not to curdle the dairy by getting it too hot. Serve soup hot with crackers.

Note:

If blue koopa meat is not available, buzzy beetle meat may be substituted. If this switch must be made, reserve the red koopa broth instead.

Sautéed Super Mushrooms With Onions
Serves 8

Ingredients

4 pound super mushrooms, sliced

4 Large Vidalia onions, minced

6 tablespoons virgin olive oil

2 tablespoons balsamic vinegar

4 cloves garlic, crushed

1/2 teaspoon dried oregano

1/2 teaspoon sea salt

1/2 teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes

Directions

1. In a large skillet over medium heat, combine the olive oil, balsamic vinegar, and garlic. Add the onions, salt, and red pepper, stirring occasionally with a wooden spoon.

2. Once the onions have begun to release some liquid (but before they are clear), stir in the dried oregano and sliced super mushroom. Sautee for 20-30 minutes, or until tender. Serve with a slotted spoon.

Note:

For a fun twist on this recipe, try substituting two large red bell peppers for each Vidalia onion!

Japanese Goomba Steaks
Serves 4

Ingredients

3 tablespoons soy sauce

1/2 cup peanut oil

2 tablespoons sherry

1 teaspoon grated fresh ginger root

2 cloves garlic, peeled and minced

4 (six ounce) center-cut goomba steaks

Directions

1. In a medium bowl, whisk together soy sauce, peanut oil, sherry, ginger root, and garlic. Fill a large Ziploc bag with the mixture. Place goomba steaks into the bag with the mixture, and shake to coat. Place bag in the refrigerator, and allow the goomba steaks to marinate for at least 4 hours.

2. Preheat grill to high heat and lightly brush grate with peanut oil.

3. Grill goomba steaks 8 to 10 minutes per side, or until the goomba meat flakes easily and is opaque in the center.

Note:

The longer the goomba steaks are allowed to marinate, the more flavorful and tender they will be when cooked. Marinating overnight is recommended.

Traditional Fire Flower Fries
Serves 2

Ingredients

1/3 cup white sugar

2 cups warm water

8 fire flowers, sliced into 1/4 inch strips

6 cups vegetable oil for frying

Directions

1. In a medium bowl, dissolve the sugar in warm water. Soak fire flowers in water mixture for 15 minutes. Remove from water, and dry thoroughly on paper towels.

2. Heat oil in deep fryer to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C). Add fire flowers, and cook until golden, 5 to 6 minutes. Drain on paper towels. Season with salt and black pepper to taste.

Note:

Excellent with ranch dressing.

The Complex Pokemon Food Chain

Everything eats Pikachu.

Practical Uses For Super Powers: Ant-man

Ant-Man, for those of you who don't know, is able to shrink to the size of an ant. The following are suggested practical uses for this extraordinary power:

• Building ships in bottles
• Extracting splinters (from other people)
• Hitching a ride to any desired destination in a piece of checked luggage on an aircraft
• Assisting E.O. Wilson and Bert Holldobler perform vital ant research
• Utilizing small gulleys and rivulets as awesome waterslides
• Specialized dental hygiene (poppyseed removal)
• Harvesting fresh honey from inside beehives
• Removing tiny shards of broken glass from areas where people walk barefoot
• Using toothpicks as javelins to spear olives
• Untying very tight and complex knots in shoelaces
• Mending wicker furniture
• Assisting elderly seamstresses to thread needles
• Exterminating ants in unarmed hand-to-mandible combat

How To Treat A Vampire Bite

Each year, nearly 8,000 people receive vampire bites in the United States. Even a bite from a so-called "harmless" vampire (or familiar) can cause vampirism or death in most people. People who frequent remote castles, creepy nightclubs, city streets, or who live in vampire-inhabited areas should be aware of the potential dangers posed by vampires.

What are the symptoms of vampire bites?

While each individual may experience symptoms differently, the following are the most common symptoms of vampire bites:

• Bloody wound discharge
• Fang marks in the skin and swelling of the cartoid artery
• Severe localized pain
• Weakness
• Increased sensitivity to sunlight
• Increased thirst for blood
• Newfound ability to transform into smoke or bats
• Disdain for religious artifacts, particularly crosses
• Change in sleeping habits
• Enlarged canines
• Belalugosiism

How are vampire bites treated?

Call for emergency assistance immediately if someone has been bitten by a vampire. Responding quickly in this type of emergency is crucial. While waiting for emergency assistance:

• Wash the bite with soap and water.  This will do nothing to stave off vampirism, but may serve to stave off infection and calm down the bite victim.
• Immobilize the bitten area and keep it lower than the heart.
• Cover the area with a clean, cool compress or a rag soaked in garlic extract to minimize swelling and vampirism.
• Monitor vital signs.  If the victim's heartbeat decreases dramatically, sharpen a wooden stake as a precaution.

If a victim is unable to reach medical care within 30 minutes, the American Red Cross recommends:

• Apply a bandage, wrapped two to four inches above the bite, to help slow the spread of vampirism. This should not cut off the flow of blood from a vein or artery - the band should be loose enough to slip a finger under it.
• A suction device can be placed over the bite in an attempt to draw the vampire's saliva out of the wound without making cuts. These devices are often included in commercial vampire bite kits.
• Sharpen a wooden stake as a precaution.

Preventing vampire bites:

Some bites, such as those inflicted when you accidentally awake a vampire in his lair, are nearly impossible to prevent. However, there are precautions that can reduce your chances of being bitten by a vampire. These include:

• Leave vampires alone. Many people are bitten because they try to kill a vampire or get too close to it.  The immortal undead are very wily.  Be warned.
• Stay out of abandoned keeps, garrisons, and mansions unless you wear thick leather scarves and explore during the day as much as possible.
• Do not provoke vampires.  They are generally irascible to start with, and it is not wise to rankle their ire.

Memo For Doctor Wily

Dear Doctor Wily:

I've been paying attention to your affairs in the media since 200X, and I've noticed that you've been having recurring problems with this Mega Man character. To an outside observer, it would seem that there is no robot you are capable of contructing which he is not capable of defeating. Clearly, you are aware of Mega Man's prowess (at this point it would be hard for you to ignore it) and thus diversify your minion's armaments in an attempt to find some weakness of his. Divide and conquer, yes? One robot attacks with fire, another with ice. One uses whirling metal blades and one fights with leaves. Had somebody told me ten years ago that leaves would one day be used as weapons I would have called them crazy- and yet here we are. Well done.

As creative as your attempts at world dominance are, they suffer from a lack of long-term planning, for each of your robots has a mysterious weakness to another one's weapon. This would hardly be an issue, save for the fact that every time Mega Man's buster bests one of your bots in battle, he adds their weapon to his arsenal knowing full well that whatever his newly acquired weapon may be- boomerangs, little drilling explosives, whatever- it will destroy one of your other automatons in just a few well-timed hits. You know what your weapons can do- you built them! Think ahead! Don't make your robots so vulnerable to one another! Beyond that, you've clearly figured out how to build some sort of material which can repel Mega Man's buster blasts entirely- whatever it is that makes the helmets of those little yellow guys. You know, the ones you clearly based on turtles. Whatever. If you're serious about this world dominance thing, then act accordingly. Nobody's gonna hold your hand through this one, but I thought I'd at least offer you some advice, as a colleague in the field.

Sincerely,

Dr. Ivo Robotnik, Roboticist

P.S. Also- use more spikes. Nothing can survive spikes.

Welcome To Microanaylsis

Ever wonder what superheroes ought to do if they weren't superheroes? Or what Mario's relentless questing is doing to the ecology of the Mushroom Kingdom? Maybe you've stayed up late at night wondering how you can tell if a zombie is finally dead and not just lying in wait. At any rate, you've come to the right place. Welcome aboard.