Other Theories Penned By Einstein During His Period Of Employment At The Swiss Patent Office

Theory on the flow of time during lunch breaks

Through observations conducted over the course of the past several weeks, I have noticed that when my boss, Stanislaus, and I take our lunches simultaneously, they seem interminably long. When I take lunch by myself, however, my break never seems long enough. Since Stanislaus has several kilos on me (due to his steady diet of schnitzel and lager, no doubt), I can only conclude that his mass somehow slows the flow of time itself. Must remember to investigate further.

Theory on the fastest speed at which patent applications can be processed

Repeated experiments conducted at my desk have revealed to me that the fastest speed at which I can possibly process patent applications is 2.998x10¹ patent applications/hour. This is an absolute speed limit. No patent office employee could possibly process patents any faster than this. I must find a way of proving this mathematically to Stanislaus, so that he stops pestering me about my rate of work.

Theory on the equivilance of laziness and mass

I have noticed that all of my coworkers do less work than myself, and the amount of work done seems to be inversely proportional to the mass of the coworker. I do more work than Hans, Hans does more than Yoder, and everybody does more than Stanislaus (of course). The amount of work done by an employee (E) therefore must be equal to the worker's mass (m_w) times the square of the inverse of the fastest rate at which patents can be processed (p). And so:

E=m_wp²

Mein gott, I can't wait to get out of this place.