A Corpus Callosum Pleads For Its Life

Listen here doc- don't go through with this corpus callostomy. I'm not trying to tell you how to do your job, I'm just asking you not to do it. Look, I know I've got a checkered past, but who doesn't? It's tough connecting the left and right hemispheres of the brain, and sure, sometimes I crack under the pressure. It doesn't help that I have to deal with this lousy epileptic day in and day out. Sometimes I drop the ball, and a seizure spreads from one hemisphere to the other. Big deal. Like you've never been accused of malpractice. I've always said that when you fall off the horse, you've got to get right back on again. I've never said that when you fall off the horse you should be cut in half. That's just ridiculous.

Plus- don't forget about the host of side effects you'll be responsible for if you go through with this: alien hand syndrome, transcortical sensory aphasia, anomia- I could go on, but why bother? By getting rid of me you'll be knocking out major lines of communication between the left and right hemispheres, doc, and that's not something to be taken lightly. How would you like it if Broca and Wernicke had no way of having a normal conversation in your brain? Want to tell someone you saw a dalmation? Good luck. If you thought having a word on the tip of your tongue was frustrating, wait until it's permanently stuck in your throat- all because some hotshot-wet-behind-the-ears-fresh-out-of-med-school-Gazzaniga-wannabe neurosurgeon was trying to earn some street cred in the OR by hacking at your corpus callosum. Doesn't sound like much fun, does it, doc? I didn't think so.

Do us all a favor, doc- put down the scalpel, staple the skull back together, and lovingly stitch the scalp back in place where it belongs. I'd like to live to see tomorrow, and I'm sure you'd like to go to sleep tonight without the guilt of severing 250 million nerve fibers hanging over your head. Besides, if you cut me, I'll scream bloody murder, and every sympathetic neuron in your brain who hears me will turn against you. I don't know what'll happen when they do, but I can guess that it won't be pretty- not even Oliver Sacks will want to do a case study on you. So put the knife down, and we'll all walk outta here in one piece, okay?