Reader Mail: Advice From A Parasitic Wasp

Dear Parasitic Wasp-

I'm obsessed with a runaway hair on the underside of my right forearm. I check for it every day to see if it's grown back in so that I can deliciously pull it out with my Revlon dull edge tweezers. It's really becoming embarassing as I spend whole weeks in my apartment waiting for the dang thing to grow back in. It's starting to affect my relationships. Just yesterday, my lover screamed "All you care about is your f@%king runaway hair!" Then he himself ran away. I wished at that moment he was a hair- what a delicious pluck he would be. Alas, he is not a hair, he is an angry half Jew. He won't return phone calls. How did it get this far? Help.

Desperately,

-Hairless in Los Feliz

Dear Hairless in Los Feliz-

Dealing with a distraught lover is never easy. It sounds as if your fixation on your body images may have driven your lover away, but I suspect that his departure rests on a deeper resentment- he wants your attention, but can't get it because of your hair, and so the hair has become the object of his ire. Ironically, removing the hair from your life will solve many of your isolation problems, and bring your lover back into your life. I recommend using your mouthparts to chew off the limb with the offending hair. If this is too grisly of a task for you, one of the stronger males in your hive would most likely do you the favor if you explained the situation to him. And then- in a flash, your hair is gone, leaving room for your angry, half Jew lover to come back into your life.

-PW

Dear Parasitic Wasp-

Do you have any tips for dealing with messy roommates? What about people who do drugs?

Thanks,

Al

Dear Al-

Dealing with roomates is never easy. If the situation isn't resolved completely satisfactorily to both sides, resentment will accrue and tensions will mount once again. The situation can be compounded when one roomate is a drug user, because he or she may not open to having a rational dialogue about the situation. For messy roommates, I recommend establishing clear territories within your living space. Urinate anywhere where you do not want your roomate to go, and also upon any of your belongings that you don't want your roomate to touch. Remember to be fair! Just because you have more urine than your roomate doesn't mean that you get more space in the apartment. For roomates who are on drugs, it may be necessary to dry them out for a few days. Next time your roomate falls asleep, use regurgitated wood pulp to construct paper-walled chamber around him. In a few days, your roomate will have sobered up, and will be more open to having a discussion about your living situation.

-PW

Have a question for Parasitic Wasp?

Care to read more of Tough Love: Advice From A Parasitic Wasp?