How To Treat A Vampire Bite

Each year, nearly 8,000 people receive vampire bites in the United States. Even a bite from a so-called "harmless" vampire (or familiar) can cause vampirism or death in most people. People who frequent remote castles, creepy nightclubs, city streets, or who live in vampire-inhabited areas should be aware of the potential dangers posed by vampires.

What are the symptoms of vampire bites?

While each individual may experience symptoms differently, the following are the most common symptoms of vampire bites:

• Bloody wound discharge
• Fang marks in the skin and swelling of the cartoid artery
• Severe localized pain
• Weakness
• Increased sensitivity to sunlight
• Increased thirst for blood
• Newfound ability to transform into smoke or bats
• Disdain for religious artifacts, particularly crosses
• Change in sleeping habits
• Enlarged canines
• Belalugosiism

How are vampire bites treated?

Call for emergency assistance immediately if someone has been bitten by a vampire. Responding quickly in this type of emergency is crucial. While waiting for emergency assistance:

• Wash the bite with soap and water.  This will do nothing to stave off vampirism, but may serve to stave off infection and calm down the bite victim.
• Immobilize the bitten area and keep it lower than the heart.
• Cover the area with a clean, cool compress or a rag soaked in garlic extract to minimize swelling and vampirism.
• Monitor vital signs.  If the victim's heartbeat decreases dramatically, sharpen a wooden stake as a precaution.

If a victim is unable to reach medical care within 30 minutes, the American Red Cross recommends:

• Apply a bandage, wrapped two to four inches above the bite, to help slow the spread of vampirism. This should not cut off the flow of blood from a vein or artery - the band should be loose enough to slip a finger under it.
• A suction device can be placed over the bite in an attempt to draw the vampire's saliva out of the wound without making cuts. These devices are often included in commercial vampire bite kits.
• Sharpen a wooden stake as a precaution.

Preventing vampire bites:

Some bites, such as those inflicted when you accidentally awake a vampire in his lair, are nearly impossible to prevent. However, there are precautions that can reduce your chances of being bitten by a vampire. These include:

• Leave vampires alone. Many people are bitten because they try to kill a vampire or get too close to it.  The immortal undead are very wily.  Be warned.
• Stay out of abandoned keeps, garrisons, and mansions unless you wear thick leather scarves and explore during the day as much as possible.
• Do not provoke vampires.  They are generally irascible to start with, and it is not wise to rankle their ire.